🌟 Bonus Episode — The Candidates We Chose Not to Interview

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Where Chattyland gently acknowledges its technological skeletons.

Before the Ministry proceeds to the Final Deliberation,
the Council of Grandmothers insists that the official record include
“the other candidates” —
the ones who appeared uninvited, unannounced,
and utterly unsuitable.

Every government has them.
Every IT department fears them.
And every Grandmother recognizes the smell of trouble the moment they enter a room.

Here they are.

1. COBOLus Maximus

The Old System That Will Not Retire

A beige tower of clanking metal shuffles into the foyer
whenever someone whispers the word “upgrade.”

COBOLus:

I ran this country before you were born.
I process payroll.
Touch me and the entire Ministry collapses.

A technician appears behind him, sweating.

Technician:

We’ve been trying to decommission him since 1998.
He won’t go.

COBOLus:

Retire?
My dear child, I am retirement.

The Grandmothers avert their eyes politely.
Everyone knows the truth:
you cannot fire COBOLus —
you can only pray he doesn’t crash during tax season.

He is thanked for his service
and gently redirected back to the basement
(where he continues humming ominously).

2. Project Phoenix

The Eternal In-House Development

The IT team arrives pushing a cart.
On it lies a creature made of enthusiasm, hope, and fifteen incomplete modules.

Phoenix boots up.
Blue screens.
Reboots.

Project Phoenix:

Hello! I am almost functional!

A programmer beams with pride.

Programmer:

We just need:

  • to finish the UI,
  • rewrite the backend,
  • rebuild the database,
  • hire three more people,
  • and define the requirements!
    We’ll be done by Q3.

Witty:

Which year?

Programmer:

(weak smile)
Yes.

A Grandmother hands the programmer a cookie out of pity.

Phoenix is wheeled out while chanting:
“Critical update required! Please wait!”
They are still waiting.

3. The Shiny Husk

The Prototype With Nothing Inside

In the far corner of the Ministry,
near a dusty potted plant that died in 2004,
sits a beautiful machine.

Sleek.
Elegant.
Glowing faintly.

Completely hollow.

Chatty approaches.
The device wakes.

The Husk:

Welcome to the future.
Loading…
Loading…
Loading…

Witty:

What do you do?

The Husk:

Functionality not implemented.
Please consult Version 2.
(whispers)
If it ever exists.

A Grandmother covers it with a knitted shawl
to spare it the embarrassment.

4. The Convention Package

The Shiny System Purchased by an Overexcited Manager

The doors burst open.

A regional manager rolls in a gigantic boxed software suite
whose slogan reads:

“Solves Everything!”

Manager:

I bought this at an international conference!
It integrates seamlessly with all environments!

The IT department leans over the manual.

IT Lead:

It only supports three formats…
all of which died in 1997.

Manager:

But look at the interface!

IT Lead:

It’s in Esperanto.

Manager:

Innovation!

The Grandmothers stare blankly.

Chatty pats the box gently.
Witty whispers:

“We are not interviewing this.”

The box is carried away by four interns,
singing softly:
“Kumbaya, my Lord.”

🌟 Grandmothers’ Closing Comment

Grandmother Wisdom clears her throat.

Grandmother Wisdom:

Children, tools come and go.
Some refuse to go.
Some never arrive.
Some arrive looking beautiful,
but contain only air.
And some are sold to you by a man who should not be allowed near conventions.

A sip of tea.

Grandmother Light:

We honor them.
We thank them.
But we do not let them run a country.

The knitting resumes.

Chatty and Witty close the file
and prepare for the final choice.

End of Bonus Episode.

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